Broken Mirrors.

I titled today’s message. “Broken Mirrors” as it reminds me of ONE of the catalysts that motivated me to finally take accountability and to get to know the real me; and better understand who I am, so I can become all that God created me to be.  

In my first post (2/19/2024), I shared how there was a heartbreak situation that propelled me on an exploration to heal my inner brokenness. Today, I will offer a little more context.

In 2019, I started dating someone that reminded me of me. We met online. Forgive Everything. Regret Nothing. In so many ways, we were similar. We both felt like indigenous outsiders.  In sociology, an indigenous outsider describes a researcher who was socialized within an indigenous community; yet has experienced high levels of cross-cultural assimilation into an outsider (or oppositional) culture—and is perceived by their own community as an outsider. I will nerd out, but as a researcher, I’ve learned to understand and appreciate, that my life is nothing more than an experiment; and I am the forever scientist. And so are you. And your life is the experiment.

Back to my story. Me and this gentleman are both highly educated having earned multiple degrees from some of the top-rated higher learning institutions in the country. We are both African American and were raised in predominantly black environments; and educated amongst predominantly white and socio-economically privileged folks. I will share more about this type of trauma at another time. Forgive Everything. Regret Nothing.

Again, back to the story at hand. The two of us, we felt as if there was nowhere, we really belonged. (In hindsight, how the hell could either of us feel accepted in an intimate relationship?). However, our sense of unworthiness was the thread that weaved us together. Of the two, I was the only one who could see this; and was I willing to acknowledge it. Forgive Everything. Regret Nothing.

As I’ve contemplated this experienced and graciously collected the many lessons it taught me, I’ve learned to understand that we were mirror images. For me, I was ready to look in the mirror and repair those parts of me that were broken; those limiting thoughts and beliefs. Whereas he decided to just break the whole mirror—simply because he did not like what was being reflected. And to him, that reflection was unbecoming, smeared in some way. And it was not him: It was me! I was the problem that seemed to blur or distort the unattractive image. For me, the REAL problem was not that he broke the mirror. The TRUTH is, I was the problem as I tried to pick up the broken pieces, as he seemed to effortlessly walk away. Forgive Everything. Regret Nothing.

As I picked up the broken mirror, piece by piece, I was the one who was cut and bled. And seemingly, he walked away with no scars. (But I am smart enough to know better, now! In reality, he was just not yet ready to own his woundedness). Anway, today, I say, “THANK GOD!’ I am so grateful for the lessons! And trust me, it was not easy! It hurt my soul. And in the end, the person it was toughest for me to forgive, was me! And I did, eventually.

I learned to appreciate that those bleeding fingers taught me so much about me. Because of the care required to heal them, I discovered me. I learned to LOVE ME! All of me! The intense, attentive care and self-nurturing allowed me to heal broken parts of me that I was once too afraid to examine or did not even know they existed. And I learned that, in time, with proper care, wounds heal!

My sincere gratitude for this journey really hit me on yesterday as I examined my left ring finger. Not because I was hoping to see a ring 😊, but because just a month ago, I nearly cut off the entire fingertip, accidentally as I trimmed my houseplants. Today, that finger that once bled, a lot, and that I had to keep tightly wrapped for over a week, has completely healed.  The scar is no longer visible. Forgive Everything. Regret Nothing.

As I believe in the power of storytelling, I wanted to vulnerably tell you this true story before I share my next post.

As a scientist, who has been blessed to be educated and conducted both “soft science” and “hard science” research, I now apply what I have learned to heal me! And without offering advice, because I’m not that kind of doctor, my sincerest desire is to share my story, unapologetically. I now see my life as a testimony that was developed after many iterative experimental trials and repeated testing! I offer my story, my testimony, my bare-naked truth as a welcome mat and invite others in, so they can see what is possible.

Today, I leave you with a few questions to ponder before we meet again.

1. What is your pain tolerance? Not physical, but mental and emotional.
2. What are your beliefs about your own capacity? (Capacity being, “the maximum amount that something can contain; or the amount that something can produce”).
3. In what ways do your actions support any sense of possibility that change is even possible? For you? Right now?
4. What awareness do you have about the different paths you can take?
5. How do you demonstrate your readiness to receive guidance and take accountability for your life?

Any decent social science researcher knows to not ask, closed-ended, yes/no questions. 😊

Do your homework. Spend some time reflecting. Forgive Everything. Regret Nothing.

Come back tomorrow. Same place. Same time. I’ll be here. With more stories. More science. And more tools to assist you with conducting your own experiments.

Namaste,

With love, indigo.